A little while ago I realised that resolutions weren't just for a new year and I made a decision to not only change my life but to really live it.
I'll give you a little bit of background info. A few of years ago I worked for a finance company - I enjoyed my job and was having, what I considered to be, a good career. The retail side of the company closed suddenly and over the next 3 and a half years the finance side was also slowly wound up. The best thing about those years were the people I worked with, many of whom I considered close friends. When I was nine months pregnant I was made redundant - it was expected given the company situation (there was only couple of months left before it closed completely) and absolutely fine, in fact back then the timing couldn't have been any better for me personally.
Anyway, three weeks after leaving, my little man arrived and my world was turned upside down. Unfortunately, this wasn't to be a good time for me. I had a traumatic birth and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder a few months later. After struggling on to the point of collapse I was finally also diagnosed with post natal depression when my little man was 9 months old. Things got a bit better after my diagnosis; I got a part time job in a supermarket - something that was a bit alien to me at first after years working my way up in an office job but it turned out to be my saviour and I'm still there now, loving it - I started to get out more and meeting other mums with babies a similar age to mine and was beginning to feel a lot more like my old self.
It wasn't until June 2012 that I realised that whilst I was feeling better I still wasn't 'living', I was just getting through each day and not really noticing that time was passing me by. I loved my little boy to pieces and we had a good family life but I wasn't really appreciating it.
In June 2012 a friend of mine passed away. She was 29 years old.
In June 2012 a friend of mine passed away. She had an 11 week old baby girl.
At the time I learnt of her passing, I was on holiday with my family. We were happily sitting in a restaurant on the shore of the Mediterranean, soaking up the sun and having lunch. I happened to log into my Facebook account to catch up with my parents and noticed a message from a mutual friend. I was in shock for the rest of the day and had a bit of a breakdown later that evening.
We had worked together at the finance company and had kept each other going in that last year when things were tough and we all mucked in doing anything that needed doing, even though sometimes we didn't have a clue what we were up against!
After we both left the company our lives moved on in different directions and we didn't keep in close contact but we would chat on Facebook and stop for a natter when we saw each other out and about. I was so happy for her and her husband (also a colleague) when their baby girl arrived. Just 11 weeks later she was gone, taken by cancer.
The day we arrived home from our holiday I swore that I would make the most of this life. I would make as many memories as I possibly could for my little boy, I would be thankful for my family, my friends and every day I have with them. We will see as much of the world as we can, despite my ridiculous fear of flying, we will enjoy days out and not feel guilty that we are doing it when we should be saving for a rainy day.
Towards the end of last year I lost my way a little bit. Things changed in my life; new people arrived into it and old ones, who I thought would be there forever, left. I doubted myself a lot and felt guilty for things that I didn't really understand. I forgot about all the good things in my life and started to wallow in self pity that things weren't going my way.
Last month I was reminded that life is short. I don't have an infinite amount of time with those that I love and I shouldn't waste it moping and feeling sorry for myself.
So, this year - for the first time in many years - I am making a resolution for the new year. I am going to get fitter and healthier and I am going to remember the promise that I made to my friend. I'm going to live my life and I'm going to make it a bloody good one!
In June 2012 a friend of mine changed my life forever yet she will never know it.
Thank you B x
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